Boundaries
Do you feel tossed around trying to keep people in your life happy so that you can feel peace? Do you find if you let go of what you really want and do what others want, that you have more positive relationships with less conflict? If you have said yes to any of these questions, you may have difficulty setting and maintaining boundaries with others. You may also struggle with self-worth and your own sense of value.
How do we change this? It can take time but, it comes from a change in your thoughts and beliefs about yourself and others. This can come from doing work to understand how you developed and grew up to find boundaries difficult. The first thing to do is, to recognise that you find this difficult and have a desire to change this. Then it is worth considering, what do you want for yourself and your relationships instead? You might need to learn how to hold yourself and others differently. To metaphorically even out the ground, so everyone is on equal levels of worth and value in your mind. To learn how to come from a place of feeling compassionate and very anchored within yourself. To know who you are, your strengths and growth areas and what you value. You can learn and discover these things in therapy sessions with a counsellor.
Being self-differentiated means that you can give rich empathy to others and yourself at the same time. You can have your own thoughts and feelings which are separate to other’s thoughts and feelings. You will also keep your connection with yourself (thoughts and feelings) when there is pressure from intimate and close relationships. When you have a high level of differentiation, you will have a strong ability to recognise and acknowledge uncomfortable feelings/thoughts. You won’t be misguided or overwhelmed by them. You will not feel hostage to thoughts and feelings from others and can stand your ground emotionally when needed. This will help you to make wiser and more grounded decisions.
A differentiated person will have a solid sense of self, seek connection with others, and hold conversations to understand and resolve problems rather than to keep the peace for the sake of peace. They will be able to tolerate short term pain and discomfort for longer term gains. They will also be able to self-soothe/self-validate. They will show deep compassion, respect and care for others and be able to problem solve ways to also show compassion, respect, and care for themselves too.
If this feels like an area you would like to strengthen, please reach out for some therapy sessions.
Sohrabi, R., Asadi, M., Habibollahzade, H., PanaAli, A. (2013). Relationship Between Self-differentiation in Bowen's family therapy and psychological health. Procedia – Social and Behavioural Sciences, 84, 1773 - 1775